Friday, February 11, 2011

Review #216: Teenage Jesus & the Jerks - Pre 12" (1979)


Year: 1979
ZE Records
Length: 7 Minutes
My Rating:

Hello, there. TEENUGE JEEZERSE andthe JERX were a BAND that lived in NEW YORXITY in the late nuneteenth seventies, which were a time when there were more musical groups than ever before. And more musical groupies than ever before. I used to be a groupie for TEENAGE JEESUS, and lemme tell you this, things got WILD. I totally got to be Lydia Lunch's sex slave and those were some pretty fun times. Did you know that Lydia Lunch keeps several types of sandwiches stuffed up her pussy? They call her Lydia LUNCH for a REASON, RIGHT?

Well, my friend Indian Lunch was in a band called Ten-aged Jaexous and the Jorts, and they made an album called PRE, because it was PREtty cool when they made it, fuckface. YOU LITTLE PIECE OF BALOENY! PACEOFBALOENYWASMADEOFPASTROMI. What? Oh. Shit. Anyways, this was the second TNGJZS song I'm -- wait, did I say song? I meant RECORD, silly me! Anyways, yeah, second TNGJSS record. Mang. Time to listen to the GODNESS. Shall we? What? You want to listen to this EP with me? OKAY. IT'S TIME FOR FUN, KIDS.

1. The Closet
Slow and paralyzing. The loud tone of the guitar feels like a razor blade cutting off yer hair and cutting into your skin. Sexually wallowing in broken glass and yer own blood. You're in a closet. And you can't breathe. Won't I come please release you? I dunno, geez. Why don't we just listen to this song some more? AND I TREE (?) LIKE SHARON TATE. SHARON TATE-O. SHARON 'TATO. LIKE, AS IN, "PO-TATO". MISTER POTATOHEAD FINGERED FREDDIE! Lydia expresses her dissatisfaction with the middle class lifestyle. The beat is cool. BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP. CFI die. I like the higher noted ends of the bass riff. It sounds cool. Then the ascension explodes into a crash and thumping of bass drum. It's kind of sexy in a weird way. This song is. I like it. It makes me feel good. Now, on to SIDE B.

2. Less of Me
This song is very fast! Isn't that awesome? It has a saxophone in it. Cool saxophone whackadoodling. Whackadoodle. Is that a word yet? I like how Lydia's lyrics here sound. They kind of gots that POETIC ROLLS TO THEM, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 'CUZ ALL THE GIRLS THERE PLAYING ON A JELLY ROLL. LIKE, THE FOOD. RIGHT? RIGHT? AAAHDSHGHDFGHDFHG D D D D D D D D D D D s s s s s s s kikdflkglkdfglkdf HI. DUM DUM DUM DUM. I like the beat. I like how everything sounds. Isn't that COOL?

3. My Eyes
This one has saxophone. It's faster than "The Closet" but slower than "Less of Me". It has a cool beat. There's a bunch of crazy saxophone playin' from THE Mr. Jamey Chance! And by that, I MEANT JAMES. JAMES. CHANCE. CHANCE. JAMES Chance. Wualkasdfsdfdsodsifdo. OI OI OI THIS SONG IX REALLY HARD-X-CORE OI OI UP THE PUNX. HP UP BY 12 POINTS UP FOR THE PUNX. YAEY

Well, this is PRE Teenage Jesus. Like, Jesus BEFORE he was a teenage. He waz a PRETEENAGER. Isn't that just GREAT? Little Jesus got his first boner sometimes too, kids. Like, okay. James Chance, also from the CONTORTIONS (Cunt-tard-tshins) was in the band at this point, now. The first song is really good. The second song is very good also. The third song is good but not as good as the other two songs. HEY. WHAT'S UP? THIS IS MY REVIEW OF TAENIGE JUZESZ AND THE JERKS. HI. HI THERE. FUCK YOU. FUCK FUCK CUNT. I LIKE DICK -- WAIT,,NO, I DON'T LIKE DICK I NEVER SAID THAT I SWAAAER I'M NOT GEY FUCK YOU BUY FRUIT BUY FLUTE FUCK YOU JESUS CHRIST MAN 7 YELLOW LEMONS ON A COCONUT TREE AAAAHHHHHHHHH BRICKS OUT OF THE HOUSE OF GOD, Y'ALLS.

Anyways, buy this album or die this album. Except for the "this album" part.

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