Monday, February 28, 2011

Review #219: Fang - Landshark (1983)


Year: 1983
Hardcore Punk
Boner Records
Length: 16 Minutes
My Rating:

Landshark was the first album by the Berkley, California band known as FANG. Actually, it's kind of funny 'cuz there's this other band from Germany or something that existed around the same time also called "Fang" and they had this really catchy song called "I Don't Go" and I liked it a lot, but it doesn't sound anything like the other Fang, so it really confangused me for-a-while until I found out they were different bands. And shit. Anyways, yeah, this album is a lot different sounding from the first Fang 7" -- faster songs, harder songs, wilder lyrics. It tells tales about homelessness, skinheads, death, fast cars, etc. Y'know, a day in the life for a California street punk. Anyways, even then, this is more interesting than your typical hardcore album because Fang fought the trend by having a bunch of real slow songs. Anyways, time for the TRU REV-U...

1. The Money Will Roll Right In
This is a song is about a guy who goes to Hollywood in hopes of becoming rich and famous. It's kinda slow, and we all like it that way. This song is the most famous Fang song because Nirvana played a cover of it during one of their most notable shows. The riff rocks. The singer (Slammy) sings about how he would have shared some of his fame n' fortune with his friends if they really gave a shit about him, and now they "must feel pretty stu-pid". Real fuzzed-out guitar sound.

2. Land Shark
I really fucking love this song! It's real fast, it's got awesome guitar riffs, good lyrics, it's a real fun song! It's about driving a fast, indestructible car that runs on a set of its own rules. I really fucking love the way this song sounds... just pure energy n' action in musical form!

3. Law & Order
This song is slow. The guitar riff in the verse is pretty tough, while the chorus riff is more dischordant and dreary. There's little moments of brief chaotic noise-spurts punctuating the chord progressions. It's about how the institutions and laws of the world have created a sterile, boring, cruel existence for all people to live in... "MY MOTHER WAS A JUNKIE, MY FATHER WAS A FAGGOT"... Slammietown rants about how he's been sent to various institutions to fix his problems but they couldn't do shit to help him.

4. Diary of a Mad Werrwöulf
The riffs seethe and spit with anger. Real thick and hard... and I ain't talking about no pennis! The lyrics are not far from something that the Misfits would write -- it's about a werewolf who goes out at night on full moons and seizes his feasts of flesh from unwitting victims, regardless of the petty useless rules of society. The song fades out at the end... of Side A.

5. Destroy the Handicapped
Once again, great riff-age!! A little more upbeat than the two other songs we've just heard... still totally skull-splitting, however. The lyrics to this one are narcissistic to the core, it's all about how handicapped people are inconvenient to the singer's life and how they have poor hygiene and make the government pay for them to live and whatnot. Y'know, stuff that makes hippies and liberals cry by the thousands.

6. Drunk & Crazy
Another real fast one. Who doesn't love gettin' drunk n' crazy ever now and then? The singing really rolls with the pummeling beat (of the drums, not of the peoples' faces) and the swerving guitar riff that makes you just WANNA GO WILD!!!!

7. An Invitation
I think this song's about either a guy raping a girl in an alley or a guy wanting to have a romantic suicide with a woman. Not sure. Goddamn it, I never get no fucking invitations. Unless you're people I've known since I was five years old, of course. Not meant offensively or anything. Slammy just sounds kinda tortured, here. I know that sounds real pretentious but the way he groans and shit suggests it.

8. Skinheads Smoke Dope
Starts off with a real FACEPUNCH type of beat and then it gets faster and the guitar riff here JUST KILLS, MAN! It's a pro-skinhead anthem about why skinheads are so great and how they smoke dope (and that ain't no fucking joke) and all of that other stuff. An ultra-kool song in my opinion. Seriously, you've gotta hear this one, man! Ends with a nice scream.

Well, that's LANDSHARK by FANG. Nice lil' record, now wasn't it? The band is kind of notable for reasons besides its actual music -- the thing with Nirvana that I mentioned earlier in the review, and plus, Slammy killed his own girlfriend (maybe she should've listened to his song "Invitation" before getting to close to him, eh?) -- the weird thing is that he only did about 6 years for it, even after running from the cops for a few days! But yeah, after that Fang re-formed and they're still around and shit. To be honest, this and the first 7" is all I've heard from them so far -- that's right, Fang are still pretty new to me. So come on, my fellow fuckfreak brethren, let us rejoice in the side-piercing sounds of FANG!!! YAEY.

Top 3 Favorites:
1. Skinheads Smoke Dope
2. Land Shark
3. An Invitation

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Review #218: U.T.I. - EP (2008)

U.T.I. (EP)

Year: 2008
Hardcore Punk
Length: 17 Minutes
My Rating:

Once in awhile you come across a band that should really really scare your trendy brother and sister. I think U.T.I. is a good example of this. I don't know if they're still around, their MySpace page was created in 2007 and last accessed in '09, so it's likely that this band has broken up, but at least they left behind something spectacular to be remembered by. It's an 8-song EP... almost long enough to be an album I guess, but we'll just kall it an EP today. Did I tell you that yesterday it was my birthday? Isn't that GREAT? Anyways, the band consists of Magnus (guitar), Conrad (drums), Jeff (bass guitar), and Leah, the fucking screamin'-like-hell vocalist. Not since Babes in Toyland have you heard a girl in punk rock this menacing! Anyways, musically it's a bit more interesting than standard hardcore. That's a plus in my book. Time to talk about the songs, shall we?

1. Stavrogin
Starts off with a cool beat and a lead guitar melody, and then the rhythm kicks in and the beat goes all BUM-BOMP-BUMBUM-BOMP on us. Leah's singing sounds like a screamin' demon. The riff is angry and cool as fuck, as is the drumm-beat! Great awesome legit song!!

2. Mr. McGloob
There's an intro riff, and then the verse riff is about as high-energy as you can get! More crazy psycho (not quite cyco) singing! In a sense it vaguely reminds me of the Ramones, but much angrier. I guess it's not really that much like the Ramones. Like, the Ramones if they had a bunch of broken glass-encrusted cheese graters lodged in their anuses. The drumming is real cool sounding. Who is this Mr. McGloob guy, anyways? He sounds kinda, y'know... Glooby? What's a gloob, anyways? So many unanswered questions in life... who will ever know?

3. Limp Generation
Even faster than the previous two songs. "YOU CAN'T GET IT UP"... that's pretty damn funny. Maybe it's some sort of commentary of how "limp"/apathetic/bored/fucked our generation is. Just like a guy who can't get it up. I dunno.

4. Cunt
Who doesn't just love the word "CUNT"? I do. CUNT is a cool word. "YOU DON'T HAVE A CUNT!!". Actually, it'd be nice if these songs came with lyrics. Or maybe it'll just be a Melvins type deal where I find out that the lyrics don't really even mean anything but sound hilarious anyways. FUCK YEEEEOOOOWWWW!!! The mood of the song is a little oppressive/dreary, but in a hard, punch-you-in-the-face way.

5. Schadenfreude
A slow song. The riffs are pretty sweeto. The singing is really screechy (not in the metal way) and the chorus riff is a little sadder. It's only about two chords, but it's just kind of effective in that way.

6. Nope.
Really fast song! The verses are ultra-fast, and then the choruses are kind of slow. Cool lead guitar solo in the middle of the song!

7. Bull Tits
First song I heard by the band (just last night!). Starts off with a cool riff, which changes to another riff in the verse section of the song. Do bulls even have tits? Like, I know that COWS do 'cuz they've got milk and the cow's tits are called UDDERS, but do bulls even have tits? I always thought they had BULLCOCK. NEVER MIND THE BULLCOCKS, IT'S THE SEX PISTOLS. TE-HE-HE! Anyways, this song... angry, fast, freaky, I like it much! If those pissed-off riff-offs and pounding, punching drums don't get your motor movin', I dunno what will. At the end, there's a Black Flag-ish part with a different beat with Leah ranting and yelling stuff and it sounds cool.

8. A. Fish
Albert Fish? This song starts off really friggin' fast. REALLY fast, I mean. After the first part of the song, it gets real slow. I guess the drummer would feel like doing anything but that after drumming so goddamn fast. Then the next part of the song is ultra-speedy, once again! Then another slow chorus with what could be considered "death metal" vocals. The bridge section is also really fast. Pretty much, this song alternates between being both the fastest and slowest song on the record. Slows down a little bit after that part, and then even more. The band plays the chorus section one more time and then it's over.


Anyways, that's U.T.I. Yes, as the johnnycumslately poser I am I found out about this band LAST NIGHT AFTER THEY'VE ALREADY BEEN BROKEN UP FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS. I guess I wasn't "there" so I shouldn't be listening to this band's music. I don't deserve it. I'm going to delete all of my U.T.I. music and if I want to listen to them I'm going to just read this review and imagine what the songs COULD sound like by reading my description of them. Shit, now EVERYONE'S going to like this band and now it's not going to be cool to like them. See, I liked them before it was cool to like them before it was cool to like them before it was cool to like them before it was cool to like something before it was cool to like it before it was cool to like YOUR MOTHER. Shit, I really wish there was more I could say about this band. I don't know if this record even has cover art. Just a lil' MySpace page and some dude posted up the songs to download on his blog. I don't think this record is even in print anymore so don't feel bad. DON'T FEEL BAD, JIMMY. JIMMY... JIMMMYYY.... to be honest, I probably wouldn't like this band as much if it had a different singer. Y'see, it's the vocalist that does it for me. She makes the band sound so much cooler. Anuhwaez (Anheuser?), if you like Babes in Toyland you might like this group 'cuz they remind me slightly of that band. Like, not as good as Babes in Toyland, but still the most similar thing I can think of. Faster than that band, though. Like, I Kat Bjelland is a waitress now or something. She should re-form her old band. That would be kool. Or maybe you don't want to listen to this inferior rip-off. You only listen to music that's 100% original and not explicitly derivative of anyone else's. Well, guess what, buckwheat? YOUR FAVORITE BAND FUCKING RIPPED OFF PEOPLE TOO, they were just big enough of douchebags to find a way to hide it and act like it was totally their idea. Myself included. Anyways, yeah, this is a good band and a good record so you should check it out. Here's their MySpace page:

Top 3 Favorites:
1. Mr. McGloob
2. Schadenfreude
3. Stavrogin

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Review #217: Napalm Death - Hatred Surge Demo (1985)


Year: 1985
Hardcore Punk
Length: 24 Minutes
My Rating:

Napalm Death is notable for being one of the definitive grindcore bands and they are well-respected as a death metal band as well. However, when they first started out in 1981, they were a punk rock group whose members were only 13 years old! Actually, none of the original members were in the band after the recording of their first "real" album called "Scum" (only half of it), but alas, here these fuckheads are, ready to rock and roll. They weren't playing grindcore yet, but they were still pretty aggressive. The style here is U.K. type hardcore with a slight metal influence (typical of U.K. hardcore) and also a big "post-punk" influence. The members of the band at this point were Justin Broadrick (guitar), Nik Napalm (bass/vocals), and Mick Harris (drums).

1. What Man Can Do
The intro is kind of ominous sounding. Slow, with just a wispy, spooky guitar sound and a thumping bass drum. Then a more aggressive beat kicks off (snares n' all). The guitar sounds really cool. Then the bass riff changes. The angry-as-fuck vocals also set the attitude for this song. I like how two people sing, not just one. The lyrics are about how humans seem to do nothing but destroy and kill everything they get their hands on. The ending section has a real scary type of beat.

2. Instinct of Survival
Definitely the best song on this tape. The intro is kinda cool, but one of the best parts is that second riff that plays. It sounds SO awesome. I swear that directly influenced the Melvins when they wrote the intro part for their song "#2 Pencil". The lyrics are fucking awesome, they're sung fucking awesome, it's just such an awesome song, the riffs all fucking rock! It's so angry and energtic! The lyrics are about corporations which abuse the people of 3rd-world nations and even people from their own countries and suck away resources and money and people like vampires latching onto the world with their undetachable fangs. The "multinational corporations" part at the end also FUCKING ROCKS. This song later appeared on the "Scum" LP.

3. Abbatoir
Really wispy intro. The guitar sounds wispy, in the very beginning you're just hearing these feedback and humming noises floating around the room like LITTLE GHOSTIES. Then a solid riff and beat gets set off. Totally different feel from the previous song. I love the drum beat. After this part, the guitar riff changes to something a little angrier. The song's about about how much life has been has been wasted by social conformity and people who try to succeed and be "normal" in the system, while it's pretty much a lie and people encourage others to follow this path and seldom question it.

4. Control
A fast song. The riff is cool, the singing sounds grate (like what you do to cheese), and the lyrics are about how behind every useless social system we follow, there's a fascist behind the curtain. I like this song too.

5. Sacrificed
Another really awesome song. Starts off with a feedback sound loud and long enough to deafen one for life. This song's even faster than the song before it. The chorus riff is so awesome, especially how they're just singing "SACRIFICED!!" in unison alongside the fast drum beat. Total aggression... by the way, doesn't "Total Aggression" sound like it would be a name for a hardcore band? After the chorus, the song stops for a few moments with just a bunch of guitar noise being made, and then the chorus is played one more time and then the song's over. I think it's about animal testing for cosmetics (this band loves bunny rabbits and hates make-up and hair products) and how "spiky hair makes rabbits cry" -- actually, yeah, you'll see pictures of bunnies with green crap coming out of their eyes. The "real beauty is denied" part stands out to me as well because we live in a society where artificial beauty is worshiped and all of the things that actually are beautiful about humans are ignored. But yeah, this iz another one of my favorites. Doesn't get old! This song also later appears on "Scum" in a 100x faster form.

6. So Sad
I like the beat. The guitar riff has kind of a sad-feeling to it. I can't find the lyrics to this song. The drumming is extremely good on this tune.

7. Caught in a Dream
The beat in the beginning is awesome. The riff, also. Then the song gets a little faster. The song's about how people are attracted to entertainment and constantly use fantasy and television and other things of that type to ignore reality. Hell, I'm using a computer right now, I guess I'm kind of doing the same time. I mean, fuck, this NAPALM DEATH music is pretty entertaining to me, I guess that makes me Satan! At least I recognize that I deserve to die unlike most people. Hah, look at me, I'm trying to justify my fucking shortcomings by saying something shocking, isn't that so cute? The chorus sections are really fast n' thrashy. Later appeared on "Scum".

8. Private Death
Really fast! The lyrics are about people who are dying a "private death" by being slaves to the system and try to escape "but they're nailed to a cross" -- I really liked that lyric. The mid-section is only half as fast. THEN IT GETS ALL FAST AGAIN AND SHIT. EVERYONE'S GONNA DIE, KIDDIEZ!!

9. Cheswick Green
This one's taken from a live recording. The sound quality is really poor on this tune. Not THAT poor, but you can't make out riffs or lyrics or anything. It's just kind of a normal punk song from what I'm hearing. It has a guitar solo in the middle, also. Then a bunch of chaps in the audience clap for the band. YAEY!!!!

Contrary to what I originally believed, this was NOT the band's first demo tape -- they had been making demos since 1982. This was their third demo or so. They made another demo after this in '86 and then they released Scum after that. What surprised me even more is that the members of the band were even younger than me when they recorded this -- they're really fucking talented, that's for sure. Even if you don't like grindcore or death metal (I'm not a big death metal guy), this record doesn't sound like those and it's just some really good, creative, angry punk rock! So yeah, check out this record because I really like it.

Top 3 Favorites:
1. Instinct of Survival

3. Control

Friday, February 11, 2011

Review #216: Teenage Jesus & the Jerks - Pre 12" (1979)


Year: 1979
ZE Records
Length: 7 Minutes
My Rating:

Hello, there. TEENUGE JEEZERSE andthe JERX were a BAND that lived in NEW YORXITY in the late nuneteenth seventies, which were a time when there were more musical groups than ever before. And more musical groupies than ever before. I used to be a groupie for TEENAGE JEESUS, and lemme tell you this, things got WILD. I totally got to be Lydia Lunch's sex slave and those were some pretty fun times. Did you know that Lydia Lunch keeps several types of sandwiches stuffed up her pussy? They call her Lydia LUNCH for a REASON, RIGHT?

Well, my friend Indian Lunch was in a band called Ten-aged Jaexous and the Jorts, and they made an album called PRE, because it was PREtty cool when they made it, fuckface. YOU LITTLE PIECE OF BALOENY! PACEOFBALOENYWASMADEOFPASTROMI. What? Oh. Shit. Anyways, this was the second TNGJZS song I'm -- wait, did I say song? I meant RECORD, silly me! Anyways, yeah, second TNGJSS record. Mang. Time to listen to the GODNESS. Shall we? What? You want to listen to this EP with me? OKAY. IT'S TIME FOR FUN, KIDS.

1. The Closet
Slow and paralyzing. The loud tone of the guitar feels like a razor blade cutting off yer hair and cutting into your skin. Sexually wallowing in broken glass and yer own blood. You're in a closet. And you can't breathe. Won't I come please release you? I dunno, geez. Why don't we just listen to this song some more? AND I TREE (?) LIKE SHARON TATE. SHARON TATE-O. SHARON 'TATO. LIKE, AS IN, "PO-TATO". MISTER POTATOHEAD FINGERED FREDDIE! Lydia expresses her dissatisfaction with the middle class lifestyle. The beat is cool. BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP. CFI die. I like the higher noted ends of the bass riff. It sounds cool. Then the ascension explodes into a crash and thumping of bass drum. It's kind of sexy in a weird way. This song is. I like it. It makes me feel good. Now, on to SIDE B.

2. Less of Me
This song is very fast! Isn't that awesome? It has a saxophone in it. Cool saxophone whackadoodling. Whackadoodle. Is that a word yet? I like how Lydia's lyrics here sound. They kind of gots that POETIC ROLLS TO THEM, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 'CUZ ALL THE GIRLS THERE PLAYING ON A JELLY ROLL. LIKE, THE FOOD. RIGHT? RIGHT? AAAHDSHGHDFGHDFHG D D D D D D D D D D D s s s s s s s kikdflkglkdfglkdf HI. DUM DUM DUM DUM. I like the beat. I like how everything sounds. Isn't that COOL?

3. My Eyes
This one has saxophone. It's faster than "The Closet" but slower than "Less of Me". It has a cool beat. There's a bunch of crazy saxophone playin' from THE Mr. Jamey Chance! And by that, I MEANT JAMES. JAMES. CHANCE. CHANCE. JAMES Chance. Wualkasdfsdfdsodsifdo. OI OI OI THIS SONG IX REALLY HARD-X-CORE OI OI UP THE PUNX. HP UP BY 12 POINTS UP FOR THE PUNX. YAEY

Well, this is PRE Teenage Jesus. Like, Jesus BEFORE he was a teenage. He waz a PRETEENAGER. Isn't that just GREAT? Little Jesus got his first boner sometimes too, kids. Like, okay. James Chance, also from the CONTORTIONS (Cunt-tard-tshins) was in the band at this point, now. The first song is really good. The second song is very good also. The third song is good but not as good as the other two songs. HEY. WHAT'S UP? THIS IS MY REVIEW OF TAENIGE JUZESZ AND THE JERKS. HI. HI THERE. FUCK YOU. FUCK FUCK CUNT. I LIKE DICK -- WAIT,,NO, I DON'T LIKE DICK I NEVER SAID THAT I SWAAAER I'M NOT GEY FUCK YOU BUY FRUIT BUY FLUTE FUCK YOU JESUS CHRIST MAN 7 YELLOW LEMONS ON A COCONUT TREE AAAAHHHHHHHHH BRICKS OUT OF THE HOUSE OF GOD, Y'ALLS.

Anyways, buy this album or die this album. Except for the "this album" part.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Review #215: Lemonheads - Laughing All the Way to the Cleaners 7" (1986)


Year: 1986
Hardcore Punk
Huh-Bag Records
Length: 4 Minutes
My Rating:

The Lemonheads formed in 1986 in Boston, Massachussetts, U.S.A. The band's original line-up consisted of Evan Dando, Ben Deily, and Jesse Peretz. The three shifted duties on instruments on the four songs on this record, and Evan sings most of the songs here, but Ben sings on one too. The band is more famous for their '90s stuff like "It's a Shame About Ray", but their earlier records have a sound that's melodic like pop punk but also dirty and aggressive like hardcore. This is the first Lemonheads record that was made, and it's really short. They released it themselves.

1. Glad I Don't Know
I like this song a lot. Evan's voice is technically good but still kind of rough-sounding. The guitar riff is awesome... nice guitar playing. It's about being glad about not knowing something. I actually I don't know what it's about. I should read the lyrics. It's really upbeat and happy-sounding. This song was later re-recorded for the band's album "Lick".

2. I Like To
This one's fast. Some parts are fast, some parts are really fast, and some parts are slow. The chorus part has a really fast beat and it sounds awesome! Then there's a short guitar solo in the middle. Great riff. Really cool song! End of Side A.

3. I Am a Rabbit
This is a cover of a song by the New Zealand punk band, Proud Scum. It's about not wanting to get committed to a girl and just fuck her and run... BECAUSE YOU'RE A RABBIT. Contains allusions to the carrot as a potential pennis-like object. Later re-recorded for "Lick".

4. So I Fucked Up
This is the exact same version of the song that appears on "Hate Your Friends". Ben sings the first verse of the song, Evan sings the second verse, and then they both sing the last part. It's about having FUCKED UP and being RAELLY SORRY. GOODBYE!

All of the songs except for "I Like To" appear on the band's albums after this, which sucks because I Like [listening To] that song a lot! But it's a pretty good record. It's fast and slammable, but really happy-sounding. The EP was re-released in 1993, but as you might guess, that edition's out of print also. So, that's all I've got to say for now. A good EP to litsten 2.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


Oh. Hi. Hi there. Oh. Hi again. Hello there. It's me, Chuck Fuck-head. You may have heard of you, but chances are that you haven't. I went to Sidney a few months ago and saw a pretty... well, it was a pretty nice looking theatre. It looked pretty cool. But it was closed. Then last weekend a few days ago, guess what I did? I went to Sidney again. 'Cuz you know, like, it's actually pretty close to where I live. And it's still closed.

But what I didn't know is that you guys used to have, y'know, punk rock and metal concerts. And then about two years ago, you closed it down and some other fuckheads re-opened it. Now you do ballet shows. What the hell is up with that? You guys do know that I couldn't even drive back then, right? Otherwise I would have totally come to all of those fun shows you were probably having there. Fuck, I talked to my friend last night and she said she used to go see shows at your place... gee, that sure would've been a lot of goddamned fun, right? Like, I could have seen cool bands live and up close without having to ILLEGALLY sneak in, except I can't even do that 'cuz the only other punk venue I know of has the music section on the upstairs floor. What do you expect me to do, climb up the wall and then break through the windows? I'm not really feeling up for that.

Anyways, now that I know that you guys existed and that I can actually drive a car now, why don't you do me a big favor and start having rock concerts there again? Underground bands. I don't know how many of the bands that played there were actually much good, but I'd still go. Because it'd still be kind of fun, at least. Did you know the only time I ever saw live music was when I snuck into a bar to watch a cover band play one TED NUGENT cover?? And I still had a shit-load of fun! Can you fuckheads believe that?

Oh, hello there again. This iz still me, Chuck Fuckhead. I am 17 going on 18. I will be 18 by the end of the month. But the problem is that even once you're 18 you're not old enough to go to bars. Doesn't that SUCK? You could still go to a THEATRE, right?
Apparently not. This is because the one theatre I know of has closed two years ago. Two years ago I would have really liked this, too. But I guess I just didn't know and you guys don't seem in any hurry to go back to how it was a few years ago. Because, y'know, that would just be a bit too awesome for a little hick town, right?

Fuck you. Fuck you hard in every orifice with everything even remotely shaped like a pennis until you guys start having rock concerts again. Just fucking leave the door open at least, that's the least you can do. How much fun am I supposed to be having at a ballet show? Oh, that's right, probably very little at most. My mom used to take me to a lot of those fucking things because my brother's friends were in them! I don't want to have to go to another one! I want to go to something that rocks. I don't like popular bands and I can't go to bars. What the fuck am I going to do, my friend?

Hey. It's still me. Guess what? Did you know that some people believe that the world is going to end in 2012? Wait, what? You guys do, too? Aw, well that's a shame. Maybe you should make this little boy's day and start having concerts there again and stop being lazy fuckshits so little ChukFuk can at least have experienced ONE non-cover band for a full set before he gets killed in the apocalypse. That would be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

Fuck you guys. Fuck you really hard up your collective anus. Until you open. Then we can be cool with eachother again. Until then, go fuck yourselves and kill whoever decided to shut down somewhere I could've been going to have fun all this time.



P.S. If anybody else is reading this, this is the MySpace page link for the Sidney Theatre:

If you have a MySpace account, go to this page and spam and flame them mercilessly to start having concerts there again until they listen.
Bye bye.

Review #214: Ecoli - Swarm On the Swine 7" (2010)


Year: 2010
Hardcore Punk
Stress Domain Records
Length: 3 Minutes
My Rating:

Ecoli is a KUH-RAZY hardcore band from Califjornia, U.S.A. They have released several EPs in the past, including ones that I've already reviewed such as "Rape" and "Judas Cradle". Well, now thare back with a NEW RECORD, and this one only has three songs on it, so it's not as long as the two EPs before it. Ecoli's sound is far from generic... it's really noisy and weird and technical in a very non-metal way... anyways, let's listen to this PUNX ROXX KLASSIX, NOWX SHALLX WEX?

1. Incestuous Insects
SEE? See how immoral and unchristian this country has become? Even the INSECTS are practicing INSECT -- wait, I mean INSECT -- FUCK, I meant INCEST! Almost as fast as Deep Wound. The singer sounds a ton like Charlie Nakijama on this song. A layer of sonick sludge covers the noises, with echoes and all that stuff. Real fast and really weird-sounding riffs. The middle part is slow. I really like the guitar riff at the end. It's pretty cool.

2. He Feeds Me Carrion
I'm guessing that "he" is an eagle, hawk, or vulture of some sort. Sort of slow-ish intro, and then it gets faster than how fast that God and Satan ejaculate combined! GFGFGFGFGFGFGFGFFFFFGGGGG. Wow, these kids must be on something. They write something that sounds so primal and aggressive, yet it's definitely not simple. End of Side A.

3. Wind Chimes
Starts off with a bunch of weird, creepy noises probably made with tape manipulation. I like the chorus part. It has a cool riff. I can't understand any of the lyrics because the vocals are really muffled by the clattering and hissing and loudness of everything else in the mix. Not as fast as the two songs on Side A. In the second chorus, there's a real cool guitar solo. Awesome drumming, awesome riffs, awesome everything!! WINDCHIMES.

Well, this was a really good record. Short but awesome. No filler songs. This barely sounds like any other band I've heard. It's twisty, it's quirky, but it rocks too. Just as much no wave as it is hardcore. You'll hear really fast beats, unexpected tempo/time signature changes, great riffs, and other punk rock fuckery. So cum, listen to this EP, and maybe Ecoli will make another record one of these days. I feel this to be an improvement over their two older records. My only complaint is that the mixing severely lacks bass, which would give the songs a much more "full" sound and that would make this record sound even better. But besides that, it's real good!!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Review #213: Molested Youth - Demo #2 (2009)


Year: 2009
Hardcore Punk
Length: 9 Minutes
My Rating:

Molested Youth. Molested Youth. Molested was the Youth that had one tooth which he left on a booth hoping it would be retrieved by his friend named Ruth who did not do so because she was feeling too aloof on that day. Shit. Anyways, in 2009, Molested Youth got a new singer and recorded another demo with six songs on it. I dunno what else to say. Let's listen to the music.

1. The Genetic Jackhammer
The intro reminds me a ton of Void. Which is probably because I've been listening to Void a fucking ton lately. It really does sound like Void, but less crazy. I like Void. They are good. But this song is still pretty decent but it pales in comparison to anything by Void. I do like that riff that plays in the second half of the song, though.

2. Untitled
Awesome intro guitar riff. The first part is kinda slow. Then the song gets faster in the next part of the song. Nice bass riff. I really like the guitar riff that the band plays at about 1 minute into the song. It's cool. Then there's a solo!

3. Recycled Life
Nice thumpin' bass beat and a chugging guitar riff. The second section of the song is really fast and has cool-sounding lyrics even though I cannot understand them. Doesn't that SUCK? The third part of the song is fast but not as fast. Nice tempo-shifting.

4. Wasted Nights
I like how they did the intro guitar riff. It's kind of sad-sounding, and in the beginning they JUST play the guitar riff. Then the drums start playing along, and then speed up to twice as fast in the verse part. The final part sounds more like the beginning part.

5. Faces
Fast. The chorus part is cool. It has this drumbeat that goes... ah, whatever. It's cool. FUCKFUCKFUCK!! I CAN'T DO NOTHIN' I CAN'T DO NOTHIN' AGAIN. FUCK!

6. Snowicide/Nowhere Fast
This song is really fast. It's about how much winter sucks and how lame it is when there's nothing but snow everywhere. Kind of like now. YOU LIKE WINTER, I HATE YOU! The second song is "Nowhere Fast" and it's a little slower. Isn't Nowhere Fast ALSO a band? AND a song by the Lunachicks? Well, this iz not a cover of that song. The second half of this song is slow and they sing "I'M SO TIRED OF GOING NOWHERE" over and over again and then they say "FAST" because they play REALLY FAST SONGS ALL THE TIME!!!!!

Well, that's the Molestered Youth Demo Part 2. The band has also released a 7" record recently, so I'll review that one too in due time. The songs are all pretty good, they've got some good guitar riffs in most of the songs. But I dunno what else to say, so here's a picture of the band for you:

Top 3 Favorites:
1. Untitled

Wasted Nights
3. Recycled Life

Monday, February 7, 2011

Review #212: Green Jello - Let It Be 7" (1984)


Year: 1984
Punk Rock
American Jello Parti Productions
Length: 13 Minutes
My Rating:

Green Jello, the self-proclaimed "world's shittiest band", formed in Buffalo, New York in 1981. The group originally consisted of Bill Manspeaker/Moronic Dicktator (singing), Jim Laspesa/Marshall Stack (guitar), Joey Blowey (bass guitar), and Ozzy Ozmond (drums). The group was infamous in their early days for sucking really bad at their instruments and having food fights and making big messes and smashing stuff at their shows. They named themselves "Green Jello" because they believed green jello to be the worst flavor of jello, and they also believed themselves to be the worst band. Now, this is entirely untrue. And it always has been. Actually, you've probably heard their one hit song, "Three Little Pigs" that they made a music video for in the '90s. And having only heard their albums "Cereal Killer" and "Live Mother Goose" and stuff, I wondered why they'd been calling themselves the "shittiest band", because they really aren't that shitty at all on those albums. Well, back when they made their first record, they really were pretty shitty! I mean, there's at least 4,000 bands I could list that are worse than this record, but musically and lyrically, it's pretty fucking terrible. The production values are bad -- even by punk standards! It sounds really bad, but at least it's intentionally bad and the songs are kinda funny, so let's dive into a bowl o' GREEN JELLO and slurp up the fucketry...

1. Green Jello Theme Song
Mr. Dicktator's voice doesn't sound nearly as mad as it does on the albums that came after this. The song sings about how Green Jello are the worst band in the world. A lot of echoey effects. The song gets faster and faster until it collapses into noise towards the end. There's even a saxophone played at the very end! Later appeared on "Cereal Killer".

2. Whip Me Teenage Babe
A funk-type song about good ol' fashioned S&M! Billy imitates girls' voices and moans like he's getting spanked and whipped all over the place. A lot of "boingy" guitar noises. The version on their album "Triple Live Mother Goose" is a jillion times better, though.

3. Do the Howie
A parody of the song "The Hustle" with awkward falsetto vocals and just the line "LET'S DO THE HOWIE" repeated over and over again. So bad that it's good. I guess this Howie fella was a cop at their high school that they went to.

4. Ice Cream Song
An annoying happy-sounding ice cream truck-like melody is repetitively played over a blues-type beat and it's kind of funny sounding. In the beginning, Moronic Dicktator says some stuff about ice cream and popsicles. The song fades out and back in several times before finally ending. I do kind of like that guitar melody. In the live performances of this song, Bill would dress up as a giant ice cream cone and walk around the stage. Where's my change? End of Side A.

5. Hill Hill
A slow song with a loud, noisy interval of fuzzed-out mayhem and a goofy bassline. A hillbilly-type voice goes "hyuk, hyuk, hey hey, hill hill" over and over again over some really loud noises. The song gets progressively faster and faster and dumber and dumber. Or maybe it's really getting smarter. Soon you hear not a chipper hillbilly saying "hill hill", but now -- OH DEAR, HE'S MUTATED INTO A DREADFUL SORT OF GOBLIN WITH THE VOICE OF LUCIFER!! Hilly hilly hoohoo.

6. Icrog
A one-second song. Later appears on "Triple Live Mother Goose".

7. I've Got Poo-Poo On My Shoe
This one sounds pretty cool. It's about getting, well, poo-poo on yer shoe. Pretty to the point. I like the guitar riff and the beat. The song was later mutated into a song about a giant sewer-dwelling monster made of feces called "The Misadventures of Shit Man" in the band's album "Cereal Killer".

8. I'll Buy You Any Major Appliance You Want Baby, Ooo-Ooo!
Another blues-ish song about a man so in love with a woman that he would be willing to spend his hard-earned cash on not only something as expensive as a major appliance, but he cares for her so much that he will buy ANY appliance -- but only the one that she wants. Hah.

So yeah, Green Jello later got a lot better and made more records and they even have a new one out but it's not as good or funny as their old records. They got signed to a major label, too. And GWAR taught them how to make costumes and props and all that FUCKING FUN SHIT, HILL HILL! The songs are so bad that they're good. The lyrics are fucking idiotic and are pretty much whatever the title of the song is, but I love it. It's funny, y'know? Real funny. Well, Green Jello didn't make another record for about 5 years, and when they did, they were a lot better and had become more metal-sounding and they'd created all sorts of fun new songs and characters that we all know and love. And they started making a music video for almost every song they ever wrote. One time they played a show with the Ramones and got kicked off the stage because nobody liked 'em. A few of the songs on here got re-worked into cooler versions on the two albums that came after this. But they never did return to the awesomeness that is the Ice Cream Song. OH. HI KIDZ. I'M A GIANT ICE CREAM CONE. DO YOU WANT A BITE OF MY ICE CREAM?

OKAY. HERE YOU GO: SLDFKLS;KG;DFK;l;'l'g;h[gop=ploytrphlf;lglhf;lhlh'lgglfhfgjlghp;';jlhg';jlhgj';l!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Top 3 Favorites:
Ice Cream Song
Hill Hill
3. I've Got Poo-Poo On My Shoe


Friday, February 4, 2011

Review #211: Sick Sick Sick - The Devil is Real E.P. (2006)


Year: 2006
Genre: Hardcore Punk
Label: Punk Rock Review
Tracks: 5
Length: 10 Minutes
My Rating: 5/8

Sick Sick Sick is one of the first new hardcore bands I'd ever gotten into, by finding a couple of their out-of-print EPs for downlaoad on about two years ago. The band formed in 2004 in South Carolina. I don't really know any huge story on them, so I'm gonna cut to the chase, here. This music is pretty standard fast political, angry music with much of the singer yelling about what is ailing him. Pretty sure that this was their first record. So guess what, fuckfaces? TIME TO DO ANOTHER REVIEW AGAIN!!

1. I Scream
Starts off with a crunching guitar riff. Then the beat gets progressively faster until it culminates in the first verse sextion. I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM FOR ICE SCREAM FOR HELP! Get it, they're singing about ICE CREAM, childrens! Children love ice cream, right? There's one part with a cool half-solo type of thing, but it doesn't last very long.

2. Krylon
The riff here reminds me of a faster version of "Jealous Again" by Black Flag. It's about being frustrated about life but not giving into your anger. Faster than the last song. Another icey-kool guitar solo in the middle of the song.

3. Narcolepsy
I like the beginning part of the song. It sounds pretty awesome. It's when the beat changes. Starts out kinda rolling with the guitar riff and bass riff, then the beat changes and the bass riff changes and that part is the best! The song's about people in society who claim to support one thing but then go off and DO the opposite, such as hypocritical Christians who look down on poor people even though Jesus said to help the poor. Mid-song there's a slower heavy metal-esque section. Then things start to get faster. "I'd like to bash your face in!"

4. Null Policy
This one has a really good guitar riff. The chorus riff is more upbeat and I like that, too. I can't really understand what the singer's singing about, here. KUN UNEYJUAN HILP ME? In one part of the song, he sings about taking over the company he works at, hiring all of his friends, and firing all the jerks! Even Teenage Jesus, too! NOOOO

5. Perfect Crime
The intro has some weird chingy-chungy guitar sounds. Then the beat gets faster. The verse part has a really good guitar riff. Guitar solo in the middle! Just like almost all of the other songs. Then there's a part that has a riff just like "I Wanna Be Your Dog" by the Stooges. I like how the beat and guitar riff go together on this one.

Well, that's what I have to say for all of those songs. The three later songs are better than the first two songs, in my opinion. It's all pretty good, though. One of the first new hardcore releases I got real into besides maybe Pissed Jeans or something. It's angry political punk with a vengeance! The lyrics here are all very "you fucked with me so now I'm gonna fuck with you" sort of stuff. Hello there. You have just been listening to my review of "The Devil Iz Real" by Sick Si-- wait a MINUTE... "The Devil Is Real"... "The Devil IsReal"... "The Devil IsRael"... "The Devil Israel". FUCK. This whole time we've just been listening to the gospel of ISRAEL, THE LESSER SATAN! PRAISE ALLAH, DESTROY THE GREAT STAN! SO PUT ON YER HIJABS AND YER BOMBING VESTS, 'CUZ TONITE WE'RE GONNA GO BLOW OURSELVES UP SOME JEWS!! THIS WILL BE THE FIRST JEWISH HOLOCAUST IN HISTORY.

(Oh, and by the way, you can download this EP for free right here:)