Monday, February 7, 2011

Review #212: Green Jello - Let It Be 7" (1984)


Year: 1984
Punk Rock
American Jello Parti Productions
Length: 13 Minutes
My Rating:

Green Jello, the self-proclaimed "world's shittiest band", formed in Buffalo, New York in 1981. The group originally consisted of Bill Manspeaker/Moronic Dicktator (singing), Jim Laspesa/Marshall Stack (guitar), Joey Blowey (bass guitar), and Ozzy Ozmond (drums). The group was infamous in their early days for sucking really bad at their instruments and having food fights and making big messes and smashing stuff at their shows. They named themselves "Green Jello" because they believed green jello to be the worst flavor of jello, and they also believed themselves to be the worst band. Now, this is entirely untrue. And it always has been. Actually, you've probably heard their one hit song, "Three Little Pigs" that they made a music video for in the '90s. And having only heard their albums "Cereal Killer" and "Live Mother Goose" and stuff, I wondered why they'd been calling themselves the "shittiest band", because they really aren't that shitty at all on those albums. Well, back when they made their first record, they really were pretty shitty! I mean, there's at least 4,000 bands I could list that are worse than this record, but musically and lyrically, it's pretty fucking terrible. The production values are bad -- even by punk standards! It sounds really bad, but at least it's intentionally bad and the songs are kinda funny, so let's dive into a bowl o' GREEN JELLO and slurp up the fucketry...

1. Green Jello Theme Song
Mr. Dicktator's voice doesn't sound nearly as mad as it does on the albums that came after this. The song sings about how Green Jello are the worst band in the world. A lot of echoey effects. The song gets faster and faster until it collapses into noise towards the end. There's even a saxophone played at the very end! Later appeared on "Cereal Killer".

2. Whip Me Teenage Babe
A funk-type song about good ol' fashioned S&M! Billy imitates girls' voices and moans like he's getting spanked and whipped all over the place. A lot of "boingy" guitar noises. The version on their album "Triple Live Mother Goose" is a jillion times better, though.

3. Do the Howie
A parody of the song "The Hustle" with awkward falsetto vocals and just the line "LET'S DO THE HOWIE" repeated over and over again. So bad that it's good. I guess this Howie fella was a cop at their high school that they went to.

4. Ice Cream Song
An annoying happy-sounding ice cream truck-like melody is repetitively played over a blues-type beat and it's kind of funny sounding. In the beginning, Moronic Dicktator says some stuff about ice cream and popsicles. The song fades out and back in several times before finally ending. I do kind of like that guitar melody. In the live performances of this song, Bill would dress up as a giant ice cream cone and walk around the stage. Where's my change? End of Side A.

5. Hill Hill
A slow song with a loud, noisy interval of fuzzed-out mayhem and a goofy bassline. A hillbilly-type voice goes "hyuk, hyuk, hey hey, hill hill" over and over again over some really loud noises. The song gets progressively faster and faster and dumber and dumber. Or maybe it's really getting smarter. Soon you hear not a chipper hillbilly saying "hill hill", but now -- OH DEAR, HE'S MUTATED INTO A DREADFUL SORT OF GOBLIN WITH THE VOICE OF LUCIFER!! Hilly hilly hoohoo.

6. Icrog
A one-second song. Later appears on "Triple Live Mother Goose".

7. I've Got Poo-Poo On My Shoe
This one sounds pretty cool. It's about getting, well, poo-poo on yer shoe. Pretty to the point. I like the guitar riff and the beat. The song was later mutated into a song about a giant sewer-dwelling monster made of feces called "The Misadventures of Shit Man" in the band's album "Cereal Killer".

8. I'll Buy You Any Major Appliance You Want Baby, Ooo-Ooo!
Another blues-ish song about a man so in love with a woman that he would be willing to spend his hard-earned cash on not only something as expensive as a major appliance, but he cares for her so much that he will buy ANY appliance -- but only the one that she wants. Hah.

So yeah, Green Jello later got a lot better and made more records and they even have a new one out but it's not as good or funny as their old records. They got signed to a major label, too. And GWAR taught them how to make costumes and props and all that FUCKING FUN SHIT, HILL HILL! The songs are so bad that they're good. The lyrics are fucking idiotic and are pretty much whatever the title of the song is, but I love it. It's funny, y'know? Real funny. Well, Green Jello didn't make another record for about 5 years, and when they did, they were a lot better and had become more metal-sounding and they'd created all sorts of fun new songs and characters that we all know and love. And they started making a music video for almost every song they ever wrote. One time they played a show with the Ramones and got kicked off the stage because nobody liked 'em. A few of the songs on here got re-worked into cooler versions on the two albums that came after this. But they never did return to the awesomeness that is the Ice Cream Song. OH. HI KIDZ. I'M A GIANT ICE CREAM CONE. DO YOU WANT A BITE OF MY ICE CREAM?

OKAY. HERE YOU GO: SLDFKLS;KG;DFK;l;'l'g;h[gop=ploytrphlf;lglhf;lhlh'lgglfhfgjlghp;';jlhg';jlhgj';l!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Top 3 Favorites:
Ice Cream Song
Hill Hill
3. I've Got Poo-Poo On My Shoe


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