Review #226: Electric Wizard - Black Masses (2010)

BLACK MASSES

Year: 2010
Genre: Doom Metal
Label: Rise Above Records
Tracks: 8
Length: 59 Minutes
My Rating: 7/8

Electric Wizard is a doom metal band that formed in 1993 (yay). They are also often referred to as a "stoner metal" group, which is funny 'cuz I thought almost every genre of music except for straight-edge hardcore punk could be made for/by stoners. Anyways, these guys are pretty slow and heavy in the vein of (guess what)BlackSabbath (B.S.) and their sound is pretty warm and bassy. Great stuff. They sing about Satan and smoking weed... this is the band's seventh album, and it has a bunch of pictures of naked chicks and satanic rituals on it and stuff... like, on the CD there's a chick's crotch with a skull over it. Maybe she killed the skull with some V.D. she had hidden in her crotch for self-defense. WOWOWOWOW

Anyways, this is the first Electric Wizard album I've ever bought/listened to extensively, so I don't know a huge whopping backstory on the band. They're electric (funeral), they're (the) wizard...s. THIS IS A REVIEW OF (like witches at) "BLACK MASSES" -- HOLYFUCKIN'SHIT, THIS BAND REALLY LIKES BLACK SABBATH, YOU FUCKING DUMB[LACK M]ASSES, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS? DID SOMEONE TAKE A RABBIT'S EYES, REAL BEAUTY IS DENIED!!!

SACRIFICED!
SACRIFICED!
SACRIFICED; YOUR SOUL'S SACRIFICED!

SPIKY HAIR
MAKES RABBITS CRY
ONE DAY TOO
I HOPE YOU DIE!!!

SACRIFICED!
SACRIFICED!
SACRIFICED; YOUR SOUL IS SACRIFICED!!!

Well gee wilikerz, it's a good thing I ain't got no spiky hair right now. But the bottom (y'know, that kinda sexy part of the body) line (not a dot) is that (this:) we're going to FUCKING REVIEW THIS ALBUM GODDAMMIT... YOU HEARD ME!!! YA HEAR ME???





IT'S FUCKING REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE DEAD -- BY THE END OF THIS REVIEW!!!! AAAGAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!













...okay?




1. Black Mass
This song rocks! It's got such an awesome, thick guitar riff... kinda slow, but apparently this song is "fast" by E.W. standards. The opening vocal melody combined with the guitar riff sounds so awesome... this song is about a black mass... like a satanic ritual or some shit like that. Really heavy guitar riff, I like it... not just one, but TWO guitar solos in the song... the second one is better. Amazing song. It's like the new fucking Black Sabbath. Amazing heavy riffs, just perfect for getting loaded to and partying down in just the most awesome type of way, 'cuz this song has a wondrous feel to it!

2. Venus in Furs
This is not a cover of the Velvet Underground song. The song starts out with a screaming type of noise. The guitar riff is real deep and great-sounding. The beat rules. Awesome guitar-playing. What a great song to go after the first song, mang. Even though this isn't a cover of an old song with the same name, the theme is similar -- sadomasochism and being tortured sexually by a beautiful woman wearing leather boots. The lyrics are awesome. After the second verse, there's a guitar solo. I really like the mid-section of the song after that, it's my favorite part. The lead guitar melody of that part goes perfectly with the riff. The vocals sound so wispy and almost surreal. Kind of fading and echoing in out of nowhere. It's like being stuck in a room with beautiful sound zorping and bouncing all around the walls and taking quite awhile to die down. Like fire that burns but doesn't hurt. I am the ZODIAC. End of Side A.

3. The Nightchild
This one's a little slower than the two songs before it. The riff is more menacing and rugged. The chorus part sounds so great... the riff is still menacing but a little ascending, and the vocals sound tortured yet powerful at the same time, damn it!! The bass riff sounds awesome in this part of the song. Meanwhile, the verse riff burns and then zig-zags for a few chords... you just can't help but sing along that second time you hear the chorus, man... you can hear some atmospherics and lead guitar in the background... all totally muffled by the crushing assault of the bassy rhythm guitar. And bassy bass guitar. The lyrics are about a creepy bloodsucking evil zombie! His number is 1-800-666-6969, so if you want him (her?) to babysit your little ones, that's how to get ahold of... it. The guitar solo rocks... reminds me of a full moon being out in the middle of the night... like, a moon made of CHEESE or something legit like that. I need to start saying "legit" all the time again... that'd be pretty legit n' stuff. HAY HAY... HAY HAY HAY HAY...

4. Patterns of Evil
Starts off with a slow, strummed chord... the drumming hisses and boils... sounds like lava bubbling up from an underground volcanic cavern filled with monsters... the chorus is pretty awesome... nice riff combined with the vocals. The guitar sounds so heavy and full, I love it! There's a guitar solo after the first chorus. After the second chorus, there's a mid-section with a different riff. Man, that drum sound is real nice... later there's another weird psychedelic-sounding solo with weird sounds... I coulda sworn I heard the singer say "Vietnam"... was he off fightin' back in 'nam or something? MY GOD, WAS HE??? WAS HE???!!!!! AAAUUUGHHH. I think the singer's a good singer. JUN JUN JUN JUN STRUM STRUN STRUMN??? UGHhr. End of Side B.

5. Satyr IX
Longest song on the album, being ten minutes long (two seconds short of that, actually). This song is really slow and there's a weird whizzing/chirping noize going on in the background... y'know that, man? Like, we're off drinking beer on our front porch right now as I'm reviewing this and throwing the empty cans at cars driving along the road becuz it's fun and it's just SOOOOOOOO nice aut right now... not really. I do think I'm slowly losing my mind, though. Isn't that TOTALLY FUCKING LAME??? Hee heeh heh. Not digging the riff a ton so far... it's alright but doesn't excite me as much as the first four songs do. After two minutes and twenty seconds, the singer finally opens his gigantic mouth (te-he) and he sings... actually, the vocal melody goes together about as well as it can with the humming, voiping, wong-ing(?) guitar riff. I swear they released a jillion crickets into the studio when they were recording this song... or they turned on a sprinkler inside of the studio or something. That would be hilarious. After this part of the song, there's a pretty cool lead-guitar solo played. I like it. It gets pretty noisy and fucked-up, y'know? The insides of my fingernails smell like Cheetos. I haven't even eaten Cheetos in a long-assed time 'cause I'm lactose intolerant. Pretty funny, eh? Weird guitar solos come and go... weird sound effects come and go... this is a long song, man... the music being played eventually fades out for some weird, trippy sound effects.

6. Turn Off Your Mind
I'm hungry. Hang on a second... alrighty, problem solved. Look, we're listening to a song, mm'kay? And it's like, this song has a cool guitar riff and a cool beat and the singer pretty much sounds like he's singing backwards... IS HE? Not in the chorus, evidently. Pretty awesome song. I like it... the weird psychedelic sound effects are just the icing on the cake, my sol brotha. Suddenly the music stops and all of these weird samples start echoing everywhere and I don't even know what they're saying... it's like being in an echoey space filled with a bunch of black-and-white paper cut-outs tellin' me what to do... then the song resumes after some moments of this and there's a faint but fiery lil' guitar solo and more weird sounds. I could see the Butthole Surfers doing a real awesome cover of this... it has a similar feel as "Sweat Loaf" by them.

7. Scorpio Curse
Slow. Good guitar riff. I like the chorus part. The bass riff in the chorus rules!!! Cool solo... this song feels a bit more upbeat than the other songs. YAEY FOR THAT. Seriously, the riffs on this one rule... it's OUTTA THIS WORLLLD, MY BROTHA!!!!!!!!!!! Sweet-ass bubbling lead guitar towards the end of the SONG. THE SONG, DAMN IT. AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. Crypt of Drugula
IT'S DRUGULA... THE VAMPIRE WHO SUCKS THE HEROIN-INFUSED BLOOD OUT OF JUNKIES' VEINS... SCARYYY AND SPOOOKY, UOOOOGUUUGUUGUUUOOOUUUGHHHHHHAAA BOOGER. "Booger", heh hehhheehehehe. A lot of electrifying and "creepy" sound effects, thumping bass pedal, and the sounds of thunder. The song sounds much like this... an ominous bass riff, slow bass drums, and a harsh array of freakish noises. The whole song pretty much sounds like this for almost nine minutes... it's like being stuck in a creepy crypt during a thunderstorm and being unsure that you'll ever escape... alive... EEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! At the last minute, the song erupts into a thirty-second hardcore punk oi anthem... not really. But one creepy touch they put on the end of the song is that the album ends with the sounds of a beating heart... and then, my friend, you die... AND THEN, MY FRIEND, YOU DIE!!!!! YOU DIE!!!! YOU DIE YOU DIE!!!!! UUWAKAKAKAKAKAAAA!!!!

For a new album that I was able to buy in-store at FYE, this is quite a great little record... the riffs are great, the production is great, the band is great, it's a shame I didn't know about these guys sooner. The current line-up of the band (which recorded this album) is: Jus Oborn (vocals, guitar), Liz Buckingham (guitar), Tas Danazoglou (bass guitar), and Shaun Rutter (drums). Anyways, this album is really good, for the most part all of the songs are great and rely heavily on atmospherics as well as melody... it's slow, ultra-heavy metal with a psychedelic flavor. Anyways, this is a really good listen. That's what I have to say for today's issue of LEGIT MUSIC REVIEWS. I thought this was a legit album. This review took me almost a week to write. Because I had to catch up with school n' stuff. Bye bye.

Top 3 Favorites:
1. Black Mass
2. Venus in Furs
3. Scorpio Curse