Review #207: Happy Flowers - Now We Are Six 7" (1986)

NOW WE ARE SIX (EP)

Year: 1986
Genre: Noise Rock
Label: Catch Trout Records
Tracks: 6
Length: 16 Minutes
My Rating: 6/8

Hey, I know it's been awhile since my last review, but you wanted another one presumably and so did I so I'm going to do another review today. This is the second record by the HAPPY FLOWERS, a band that sings about happiness and flowers FOREVER AND EVER ALL OF THE TIME.

LOOK.

We've all been kids. We know that childhood, especially early childhood, is a

VERY

difficult time. Too old to be accepted as the infants we once were but too young to do "big kid" things, we find ourselves stuck between two times of life that were and will be inevitably better, and we can do some things like drink juice instead of milk, and we can ride tricycles as the greatest mode of transportation since the child's seat in the ca--

OH. HI.

I AM FIVE YEARS OLD.

TODAY, I AM GOING TO BE REVIEWING THIS ALBUM FOR YOU BECAUSE I'M ONLY FIVE AND THUS CAN IMMEDIATELY RELATE TO THE SUBJECT MATTER WITHIN. WHILE YES, THE EP IS CALLED "NOW WE ARE SIX", PLEASE REMEMBER THAT BEFORE ONE IS SIX, HE OR SHE IS PROBABLY FIVE. YEARS OLD. ANYWAYS, HERE'S MY FIVE YEAR OLD REVIEW OF THIS HAPPY FLOWERS CLASSIC.

1. Mom and Dad Like the Baby More Than Me
GOD DAMN, I KNOW HOW THIS ONE FEELS. Okay, about a year ago my mom HAD A BABY WITHOUT TELLING ME BEFOREHAND! That REALLY PISSED ME OFF, because the baby was cute, but it was so cute that they STOPPED PLAYING WITH ME SO THEY COULD PLAY WITH THE BABY! WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!!! But let's not get too ahead of ourselves here... anyways, this song starts off with some cool grinding guitar noize. Which is fun to listen to for lovers of loud grindey noises such as myself. Even though I'm only five. It reminds me of playing with my Tonka trucks, that's what it does make me think of. Herlfway thru' the sung, Mr. Hor Char Inf (HORRIBLY CHARRED INFANT) starts sunging about KILLING YOUR STUPID BABY!!!! I HATE THAT STUPID BABY!!!!!!!!!! I SHOULD GO KILL MY BABY BROTHER AND PUT HIM IN THE BLENDER TOO... THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!!!!! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE??? THEY MIGHT THINK HE'S GROUND BEEF OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT!!!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID THE BABY LIKED PICKLES!!! SO I PUT THE BABY'S COCK IN THE PICK JAR, MAN!!!! I DON'T EVEN LIKE MY BABY BROTHER!!!! GODDAMN IT WHY DO MY PARENTS LIKE THE BABY MORE THAN ME? Fucking faggots.

2. All My Toys Hate Me
Yeah, believe it or not, this happened to me too. Kind of a vague tempo to this one even though there's no beat so it's hard to tell. It sounds like a cross between a blender and an electrical shock. Like, a blender that's being electrically shocked. It reminds me of this one time where IT WAS REALLY LATE, AND I SAW THIS ONE STUFFED ANIMAL IN MY CLOSET, AND IT JUST KEPT ON STARING AT ME AND THEN I SCREAMED AND PISSED ALL OVER MY BED. IT REALLY SUCKED. THAT ASSHOLE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING. Toys... they're little backstabbers, they are. Also, you get to hear Mr. Anus in this song. Mr. Anus iz cool. End of Side A.

3. Razors in My Apple
This one has a beat and a bass riff so it sounds more song-like. Pretty good bass riff, also. It's about finding all sorts of razors and needles and other bad things in yer food. I bet there's blood cumming outta yer mouth after that happens, man. Like, the razor CUTS your mouth and then you start bleeding. Or the needles STABS your mouth and then you start bleeding.

4. Hush Little Baby
I LOVE this one. It's like a really freakish, demented version of a lullaby that everyone's probably heard. The guitar "melody" is just a bunch of random notes and Daddy in the song eventually starts saying some pretty mean stuff to THE BABY!!!!! WELL GOOD, I FUCKING HATE THAT LITTLE DOUCHEBAG!!!!!!

5. The Vacuum Ate Timmy
IT WAS ABOUT TIME... presuming this "Timmy" they speak of is the BABY, then I'M REALLY GLAD THE VACUUM IS GOING TO ATE TIMMY!!!! FUCK YEAH... SUCK AWAY!!! SUCK, VACUUM! SUCK!! SUCK HARDER! SUCK TIMOTHY, VACUUM!!!!! You can hear the sound of a REAL LIFE (tm) vacuum in this song and Mr. HCI's parents get really upset because the VACUUM ATE TIMMY.

6. Daddy Melted
Ever have one of those days when YOUR DAD MELTS INTO A GIANT PUDDLE OF ACID??!! No, I haven't, but I'd imagine that this song truly does cover the trauma and emotional torment of WHEN DADDY MELTED AND YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE ORPHANAGE!!!!! NOOO!!!!!!!!! The drum beat is simple but kind of cool. But Daddy cannot take you to 7-11 because he MELTED. DON'T YOU GET IT??? DADDY MELTED!!!! ARRAAAAGGGHHHH!!!! THE END.

GEE, THAT ALBUM WAS SO AWESOME... I GOING TO PLAY IT AS LOUD AS I CAN ON MY "MY LITTLE PHONOGRAPH" (TM) PLAYER SO MY PARENTS WILL BE FORCED TO LIKE IT TOO!!! YAEYYY!!!!

Oh. Hi.

I am five years old.

That was my review of "NOW WE ARE SIX" by Happy Flowers, a 7" full of mayhem and madness. I hope you enjoyed my review, five-year-olds of the world. Be sure to come another time as we listen to "My First GG Allin Classics", next week. Goodbye.

Top 3 Favorites:
1. Hush Little Baby
2. Daddy Melted
3. My Toys Hate Me

Review #147: Happy Flowers - Songs for Children (EP) (1984)

SONGS FOR CHILDREN (EP)

Year: 1984

Genre: Punk Rock
Sub-Genres: Noise
Label: Catch Trout Records
Tracks: 3
Length: 10 Minutes
Style: Weird/Funny/Scary
My Rating: 6/8

Happy Flowers iz just one of those kinds of bands... part genius, part hilarious, part gloriously inept. And part legit, also. The band formed in 1983 (ten years before my birth) in Charlottesville, Virginia, by two members of a hardcore band called the Landlords... that band released one album called "It's a Teenage House Party With the Landlords". Shortly afterwards, the members of the band went their separate ways and John Beers and Charlie Kramer both decided to start Happy Flowers. John was now "Mr. Horribly Charred Infant", and Charlie was now "Mr. Anus". Two names I wish my parents had given me. "Songs for Children" was the first Happy Flowers release. You can just imagine a cute little 7" record in a store with nice kiddie drawings on it and a name like 'Happy Flowers', and hey, the songs are for CHILDREN, also! What fun! A naive parent would pick this up, play it on the record player to put the 2-year-old to sleep, and then ten minutes later the 2-year-old would walk out of the bedroom looking like Charles Manson. That's the greatness of Happy Flowers for you. The early songs of Happy Flowers have practically no structure at all, just grumbling guitar damage, screaming, and if you're lucky, dialouge that resembles lyrics. The 7" also contains the band's most famous song, "Mom, I Gave the Cat Some Acid".

1. Mom, I Gave the Cat Some Acid
Starts off with the revving guitar sounds of what sounds like a really large animal dying and desperately trying to escape from a tar pit. Soon we hear Mr. Horribly Charred Infant moan a childlike "Moooommm...", looking for sympathy in this tone of voice, but this "Mom" character does not hear him, so then Mr. Anus speaks up. Soon enough, the wimpers turn into screams, and the two continue to scream, "MOM, I GAVE THE CAT SOME ACID!!!", while begging Mom not to tell Dad or the Police. I suppose this type of thing is so hilarious because it's so easy to envision it actually happening in real life. From the childlike vocabulary to the idea of a little kid accidentally giving a cat acid and then freaking out about it, the song pretty much paints its own picture with just one phrase. I wonder how much acid they were on when they did this... this song basically set the standard for the other Happy Flowers tunes, in that they became famous for the group basically screaming about childhood freak-accidents of noisy music. I think this song was on a compilation as well. But yeah, you haven't lived until you've heard this song. And once you've heard it, you've died. But then you get to live again. Now, for the B-Sides.

2. Meadowlands
Starts out sounding enough like a song with a melody, with a folky sort of electric guitar melody, with only a little bit of fucked-up shit in the background, until a really loud scream is heard, and the whole thing just turns into a heavy, improvised, noisy monster of a song. There's actually a little bit of a melody in there if you listen real hard, but it's so overshadowed by the chaos that dominates the song that you barely even notice it. Even after the guitars stop playing, you still hear that same scream repeated over and over again amidst the silence.

3. Requests
This one basically featured Mr. Horribly Charred Infant singing a bunch of random pop songs over a bunch of scary wild guitar noize with Mr. Anus sort of singing along in the background. Perhaps some people "requested" that they play these songs and this wuz the result. Then there's a bunch of feedback.

FUN FAKT: Hey, kidz! Did you know that if you play Happy Flowers music around a Flower garden, that the flowers will all get really Happy and come to life and then EAT YOU? No, really, it's true! What do you think tulips use those lips for anyways? THEY HAVE MOUTHS, DUMBASS! And stuff like that. These songs were later featured on the album "Making the Bunny Pay", which contains this EP and the second EP called "Now We Are Six". I'll review that one also sometime. But for now, hope you enjoyed my review and the wonderful music, and remember to play this music for your children all the time!