Review #226: Electric Wizard - Black Masses (2010)

BLACK MASSES

Year: 2010
Genre: Doom Metal
Label: Rise Above Records
Tracks: 8
Length: 59 Minutes
My Rating: 7/8

Electric Wizard is a doom metal band that formed in 1993 (yay). They are also often referred to as a "stoner metal" group, which is funny 'cuz I thought almost every genre of music except for straight-edge hardcore punk could be made for/by stoners. Anyways, these guys are pretty slow and heavy in the vein of (guess what)BlackSabbath (B.S.) and their sound is pretty warm and bassy. Great stuff. They sing about Satan and smoking weed... this is the band's seventh album, and it has a bunch of pictures of naked chicks and satanic rituals on it and stuff... like, on the CD there's a chick's crotch with a skull over it. Maybe she killed the skull with some V.D. she had hidden in her crotch for self-defense. WOWOWOWOW

Anyways, this is the first Electric Wizard album I've ever bought/listened to extensively, so I don't know a huge whopping backstory on the band. They're electric (funeral), they're (the) wizard...s. THIS IS A REVIEW OF (like witches at) "BLACK MASSES" -- HOLYFUCKIN'SHIT, THIS BAND REALLY LIKES BLACK SABBATH, YOU FUCKING DUMB[LACK M]ASSES, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS? DID SOMEONE TAKE A RABBIT'S EYES, REAL BEAUTY IS DENIED!!!

SACRIFICED!
SACRIFICED!
SACRIFICED; YOUR SOUL'S SACRIFICED!

SPIKY HAIR
MAKES RABBITS CRY
ONE DAY TOO
I HOPE YOU DIE!!!

SACRIFICED!
SACRIFICED!
SACRIFICED; YOUR SOUL IS SACRIFICED!!!

Well gee wilikerz, it's a good thing I ain't got no spiky hair right now. But the bottom (y'know, that kinda sexy part of the body) line (not a dot) is that (this:) we're going to FUCKING REVIEW THIS ALBUM GODDAMMIT... YOU HEARD ME!!! YA HEAR ME???





IT'S FUCKING REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE DEAD -- BY THE END OF THIS REVIEW!!!! AAAGAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!













...okay?




1. Black Mass
This song rocks! It's got such an awesome, thick guitar riff... kinda slow, but apparently this song is "fast" by E.W. standards. The opening vocal melody combined with the guitar riff sounds so awesome... this song is about a black mass... like a satanic ritual or some shit like that. Really heavy guitar riff, I like it... not just one, but TWO guitar solos in the song... the second one is better. Amazing song. It's like the new fucking Black Sabbath. Amazing heavy riffs, just perfect for getting loaded to and partying down in just the most awesome type of way, 'cuz this song has a wondrous feel to it!

2. Venus in Furs
This is not a cover of the Velvet Underground song. The song starts out with a screaming type of noise. The guitar riff is real deep and great-sounding. The beat rules. Awesome guitar-playing. What a great song to go after the first song, mang. Even though this isn't a cover of an old song with the same name, the theme is similar -- sadomasochism and being tortured sexually by a beautiful woman wearing leather boots. The lyrics are awesome. After the second verse, there's a guitar solo. I really like the mid-section of the song after that, it's my favorite part. The lead guitar melody of that part goes perfectly with the riff. The vocals sound so wispy and almost surreal. Kind of fading and echoing in out of nowhere. It's like being stuck in a room with beautiful sound zorping and bouncing all around the walls and taking quite awhile to die down. Like fire that burns but doesn't hurt. I am the ZODIAC. End of Side A.

3. The Nightchild
This one's a little slower than the two songs before it. The riff is more menacing and rugged. The chorus part sounds so great... the riff is still menacing but a little ascending, and the vocals sound tortured yet powerful at the same time, damn it!! The bass riff sounds awesome in this part of the song. Meanwhile, the verse riff burns and then zig-zags for a few chords... you just can't help but sing along that second time you hear the chorus, man... you can hear some atmospherics and lead guitar in the background... all totally muffled by the crushing assault of the bassy rhythm guitar. And bassy bass guitar. The lyrics are about a creepy bloodsucking evil zombie! His number is 1-800-666-6969, so if you want him (her?) to babysit your little ones, that's how to get ahold of... it. The guitar solo rocks... reminds me of a full moon being out in the middle of the night... like, a moon made of CHEESE or something legit like that. I need to start saying "legit" all the time again... that'd be pretty legit n' stuff. HAY HAY... HAY HAY HAY HAY...

4. Patterns of Evil
Starts off with a slow, strummed chord... the drumming hisses and boils... sounds like lava bubbling up from an underground volcanic cavern filled with monsters... the chorus is pretty awesome... nice riff combined with the vocals. The guitar sounds so heavy and full, I love it! There's a guitar solo after the first chorus. After the second chorus, there's a mid-section with a different riff. Man, that drum sound is real nice... later there's another weird psychedelic-sounding solo with weird sounds... I coulda sworn I heard the singer say "Vietnam"... was he off fightin' back in 'nam or something? MY GOD, WAS HE??? WAS HE???!!!!! AAAUUUGHHH. I think the singer's a good singer. JUN JUN JUN JUN STRUM STRUN STRUMN??? UGHhr. End of Side B.

5. Satyr IX
Longest song on the album, being ten minutes long (two seconds short of that, actually). This song is really slow and there's a weird whizzing/chirping noize going on in the background... y'know that, man? Like, we're off drinking beer on our front porch right now as I'm reviewing this and throwing the empty cans at cars driving along the road becuz it's fun and it's just SOOOOOOOO nice aut right now... not really. I do think I'm slowly losing my mind, though. Isn't that TOTALLY FUCKING LAME??? Hee heeh heh. Not digging the riff a ton so far... it's alright but doesn't excite me as much as the first four songs do. After two minutes and twenty seconds, the singer finally opens his gigantic mouth (te-he) and he sings... actually, the vocal melody goes together about as well as it can with the humming, voiping, wong-ing(?) guitar riff. I swear they released a jillion crickets into the studio when they were recording this song... or they turned on a sprinkler inside of the studio or something. That would be hilarious. After this part of the song, there's a pretty cool lead-guitar solo played. I like it. It gets pretty noisy and fucked-up, y'know? The insides of my fingernails smell like Cheetos. I haven't even eaten Cheetos in a long-assed time 'cause I'm lactose intolerant. Pretty funny, eh? Weird guitar solos come and go... weird sound effects come and go... this is a long song, man... the music being played eventually fades out for some weird, trippy sound effects.

6. Turn Off Your Mind
I'm hungry. Hang on a second... alrighty, problem solved. Look, we're listening to a song, mm'kay? And it's like, this song has a cool guitar riff and a cool beat and the singer pretty much sounds like he's singing backwards... IS HE? Not in the chorus, evidently. Pretty awesome song. I like it... the weird psychedelic sound effects are just the icing on the cake, my sol brotha. Suddenly the music stops and all of these weird samples start echoing everywhere and I don't even know what they're saying... it's like being in an echoey space filled with a bunch of black-and-white paper cut-outs tellin' me what to do... then the song resumes after some moments of this and there's a faint but fiery lil' guitar solo and more weird sounds. I could see the Butthole Surfers doing a real awesome cover of this... it has a similar feel as "Sweat Loaf" by them.

7. Scorpio Curse
Slow. Good guitar riff. I like the chorus part. The bass riff in the chorus rules!!! Cool solo... this song feels a bit more upbeat than the other songs. YAEY FOR THAT. Seriously, the riffs on this one rule... it's OUTTA THIS WORLLLD, MY BROTHA!!!!!!!!!!! Sweet-ass bubbling lead guitar towards the end of the SONG. THE SONG, DAMN IT. AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. Crypt of Drugula
IT'S DRUGULA... THE VAMPIRE WHO SUCKS THE HEROIN-INFUSED BLOOD OUT OF JUNKIES' VEINS... SCARYYY AND SPOOOKY, UOOOOGUUUGUUGUUUOOOUUUGHHHHHHAAA BOOGER. "Booger", heh hehhheehehehe. A lot of electrifying and "creepy" sound effects, thumping bass pedal, and the sounds of thunder. The song sounds much like this... an ominous bass riff, slow bass drums, and a harsh array of freakish noises. The whole song pretty much sounds like this for almost nine minutes... it's like being stuck in a creepy crypt during a thunderstorm and being unsure that you'll ever escape... alive... EEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! At the last minute, the song erupts into a thirty-second hardcore punk oi anthem... not really. But one creepy touch they put on the end of the song is that the album ends with the sounds of a beating heart... and then, my friend, you die... AND THEN, MY FRIEND, YOU DIE!!!!! YOU DIE!!!! YOU DIE YOU DIE!!!!! UUWAKAKAKAKAKAAAA!!!!

For a new album that I was able to buy in-store at FYE, this is quite a great little record... the riffs are great, the production is great, the band is great, it's a shame I didn't know about these guys sooner. The current line-up of the band (which recorded this album) is: Jus Oborn (vocals, guitar), Liz Buckingham (guitar), Tas Danazoglou (bass guitar), and Shaun Rutter (drums). Anyways, this album is really good, for the most part all of the songs are great and rely heavily on atmospherics as well as melody... it's slow, ultra-heavy metal with a psychedelic flavor. Anyways, this is a really good listen. That's what I have to say for today's issue of LEGIT MUSIC REVIEWS. I thought this was a legit album. This review took me almost a week to write. Because I had to catch up with school n' stuff. Bye bye.

Top 3 Favorites:
1. Black Mass
2. Venus in Furs
3. Scorpio Curse

Review #169: Lord of Doubts - Lord of Doubts (2010)

LORD OF DOUBTS

Year: 2010
Genre: Doom Metal
Label: Sekt Ov Gnozis
Tracks: 6
Length: 49 Minutes
Style: Mysterious
My Rating: 6/8

Lord of Doubts is a Russian heavy metal band from Russia... where exactly, I do not know. But Russia. The former U.S.S.R., y'know? Whatever you wanna call it. The band formed in 2008 and this is their first album. It has six songs on it and each one is pretty long and it's fuckin' heavy! Very nice, slow riffage that you can just get stoned/drunk to... great fucked-up sounding vocals as well. I just found out about these guys last night. And this is very good. One complaint is the MIXING... God, they never fucking learn. Mixing your album to be loud as possible does NOT make it sound better, just more condensed, and even though it might seem illogical that mixing your album makes it sound more compact and "small", this is actually the case. So, I have personally re-mixed the album so that I can fully enjoy it, but I probably won't release this re-mix since I could get sued/bitched at and shit. Which I can understand. A budding rock band needs its money. And I say this having illegally downloaded tons of music from new artists. Hey, I can't find fucking School Jerks records in my FYE! I don't have a credit card, either. Well, enough about that. It's review time.

1. Temple of the Riff
The power of this one lies in the riff itself (like the title suggests), the tempo, and the singer's voice. It's slow and sludgy as fuck... in the beginning, you can hear sound clips of people chanting, maybe "Hail Satan" or hail something else, it's hard to make it out. But the riff is really good and just sorta plods along like a giant monster. After a few minutes, you hear Art's (the singer & guitarist) fucked-up sounding voice, and he beckons his "brethren" and "children" to come to the temple, and to come to the altar... of... THE RIFF. Maybe it's the riff of this song. Near the 3-minute mark you hear an airy sort of guitar solo. The song has a just an extremely monstrous, powerful vibe to it. This is a really good song and you should listen to it.

2. Take Me There
The song starts with another television show soundbyte. This is actually the shortest song on the album, just over 5 minutes long. Not nearly as good as Temple of the Riff, but still good. Those last two chords of the verse riff are pretty interesting. Art's voice is echoey. Also listen to that drum beat! It's far from basic like many songs are. At the end of the song, the guitar fades out first, then the drums, then the bass guitar. Reminds me of the ending of "Leeech" by the Melvins.

3. Endless Slumber
Endless Slumber... wouldn't that be kind of like dying? Or at least permanently comatose? Which would be endless slumber? Hee hee ho. After a long string of feedback in one ear and a lead guitar melody playing the main riff, the song segues into the main riff with a drum beat and bass and all that jazz. There's even a neat organ solo in the middle of the song. After another section, there's another fuzzed-out guitar solo. After about six minutes, the song transitions to an ambient, spacey part with wispy sounds and periodic trebly splashes.

4. Satan's Magic Smoke
This one has an AWESOME guitar sound that sounds just... awesome. It's cool. Almost sounds like a singing person, but it's not. Just a weird effect. In the second half, the guitar changes to a more low-pitched, bass sound. Just a lot of cool guitar-play and such. It's a good, relaxing instrumental tune.

5. Heavier Than Universe
Yaey! More singing! Gotta love Art's drunk slurred sounding voice. It sounds great. Just a heavy trudge through the heavy mud beneath your thighs... awesome psychedelic-sounding guitar solo in the song, too! There's a short bass-guitar solo in the song, too.

6. Electric World
Electric World... where everthing is ELECTRIC... kind of like EARTH, as a matter of fact! The song starts out with a bunch of feedback and then kicks off with the main riff played, and the guitars in this song have a really cool sound. This one reminds me a lot of Black Sabbath. The singing has been modified to have a really cool, echoey, trippy effect to it, so that's a plus. It's hard to understand what he's saying, though. Awesome-ass solo after the first verse. I just want to sit down and listen to this fucking song somewhere else besides on my computer. It's loud and powerful, and you want it to make love to you and your friends in a rock orgy in the privacy of your own room. I'd fuck to it. Weowowoweowowoweowowoweowowowowowowowow.

So, that's the end. By the way, if you're wondering who's in the band, according to the CD, they are: Art (guitar, singing), Andres (bass guitar), and V.M. (drums), so thank them for this album. There's not much else I can say, but if you love slow, loud, heavy psychedelic music, then this iz for you! So go and check it aut, why don't ya? Have a nice day, folks.

Top 3 Favorites:
1. Temple of the Riff
2. Electric World
3. Satan's Magic Smoke

Review #23: The Melvins - Eggnog (EP) (1991)

EGGNOG (EP)

Year: 1991

Genre: Heavy Metal, Punk Rock
Sub-Genres: Sludge, Grunge, Noise, Hardcore
Label: Boner Records
Tracks: 4
Length: 20 Minutes (Medium-Length)
Style: Angry/Weird/Funny
My Rating: 6/8

The Melvins are just one o' those bands that can do almost anything they want and succeed. They started out as a great hardcore band, and along the way, invented grunge, and then they went on to invent sludge-metal, and they dabbled in electronic music and experimental noise-rock as well. It's just a shame I didn't review this one before Christmas. It would've been fitting. Eggnog was a favorite of mine during the holiday season until I learned that I was very allergic to milk. Fuck.

Anyways, this one is considered a staple album by the Melvins by a lot of people. And it IS true, the songs on here are pretty good, though in my opinion, they have done better songs. But still, this is AMONG their best in terms of quality.

1. Wispy
Starts with some pounding drums and guitar noise. Contains the memorable line "I don't know much, but... I don't feel so good." Buzzo goes on to sing some stoner poetry, as the drum-and-bass verse build up, until at the end of the lyrics, Buzz lets out a mighty yell which fits extremely well with the instruments. Ends with banging drums. It's a pretty short song.

2. Antitoxidote
My favorite track on the EP. Starts with a slow intro, but then we realize that this is a hardcore punk song! It's very badass, and then after the first verse, Buzz lets out a crazed scream/yell, and then there's another section of the song which has a truly badass recurring line, "PIGS DON'T LET IT!", yelled throughout that part as well as other lyrics inbetween. This song is fucking awesome. I want to play it at parties!

3. Hog Leg
Starts with a tape of a christian evangelist preacher manipulated to say funny shit about alcohol. The song has almost KISS-like vocals with a glam-rock sounding shriek. This one's really heavy. The mid-section, however, iz a noise-fest.

4. Charmicarmicat
Motor-engine sounding guitars. This song is ultra-slow, much like "Boris" on the record before it, "Bullhead". Extremely slow, dirging, and one of the heaviest songs the Melvins have ever done. Near the end of the song, you can hear lyrics that sound like "bastards take away!!", or something like that. It's longer than the other songs on Eggnog combined. DSFSDFSDGSF

I think this is a pretty good Melvins record! It's got a little bit of all of the styles that the Melvins are associated with. The first song is like grunge, the second song is punk, the third song is a mashup between heavy metal and noise-rock, and the final song is pure sludge. Get someone this EP for Christmas.

A LIVE PERFORMANCE OF "ANTITOXIDOTE"